6.8.21 REAL

 In an effort to build our family record it is easy to erase and not discuss the hard. The incorrect and the just plain hard part of building a family and marriage is easy to sweep under the rug. Blogging helps me escape the negativity train that runs around and around in my head. It helps me see we are not failing, we are not miserable, and we do do somethings. Different from others but our own life. So many pictures are such short snapshots of nice, or happiness. Truly a few minutes or even seconds later the world falls apart and another crisis or problem is needing to be met head on. So much of large family life is correction, discipline, making sure correct teaching is happening. I get weary. I get mouthy. I swear. I defend, I teach and I battle. With all of them! That is not meek and mild and probably not the best way to be a follower of Christ. It is unconditional. 

As the mom it is my job to teach and teach lest problems move out of our home and into the hands of others who love less yet must meet out justice. As the wife my responsibility is to keep the group moving. To keep track, to find a way, and to love and endure. Life 20 years into this job is very different from what I envisioned. I am much harder and wimpier than my 20 year old self ever dreamed. People ask what do you do for yourself, what are your dreams? I stare at them blankly trying to formulate a kind response. My head whirs with sassy answers that are not correct. I have pondered this a lot in my 40's who have I become? The intense farming season answer is "Not a very nice person." There is always so much. Last year I thought was the hardest of my life, but this year has moved that goal post farther. 

So that is my REAL take. I report and share the pictures of big moments. There are weeks where there is nothing noteworthy to share and a whole lot I hope no one hears. There are many nights I just fall asleep so frustrated and discouraged. I don't like having to constantly be policing and correcting. I could take the easier course and ignore the problems I see, but I would be derelict in my duties and lacking in the true love I have for those in my home. So from the song " fresh courage take." I repent, I stay, I work to be loyal. My grandmother told me before I got married, when I was very humbled by the great heritage of my husband's family, our family is loyal. My ancestors stayed married through thick thin. That is pretty huge, after being married for a while it's a really big accomplishment. So that's the real deal life is beautiful 10-20% of the time, there is about the same really really hard or ugly, the rest is just plugging on.