2.20.14 Discernment

From Elder Nelsons 2013 General Conference Talk Decisions for Eternity

Your Heavenly Father has known you for a very long time. You, as His son or daughter, were chosen by Him to come to earth at this precise time, to be a leader in His great work on earth.¹⁹ You were chosen not for your bodily characteristics but for your spiritual attributes, such as bravery, courage, integrity of heart, a thirst for truth, a hunger for wisdom, and a desire to serve others.

These last ten days have been pretty rough for me personally. I woke up at 3 a.m. Friday with a lot of discomfort and knew I needed some meds for a UTI. I hadn't drank much the day before because I was sewing for Anna, and the day before I was cooking for Mark's birthday. I wasn't taking care of me. As I pondered and evaluated life for the 5 hours before the clinic opened I realized I needed to be doing a little more for me. Drinking some water each day, eating a regular warm meal more than just at dinner time. Fitting exercise in, working in some personal scripture study, and maybe even some things I enjoy like a walk outside. The meds couldn't work fast enough and it was a slow Friday, finished in frustration.

Saturday I had a long standing appointment with my hairdresser to face the inevitable, dying my hair from gray back to brown. I'm not all gray but peppering more than I am comfortable while carrying small babies of my own in my arms. As a grandma I will try to accept my age but right now mid-thirty--although I do round up to 40 as my dad reminded me recently-- I would prefer to look brownhaired. As I was easing into my mid-thirty panic my hairdresser commented how good Greg looks. I admitted that yes he is a handsome man and then realized I needed to be working a lot harder at being the trophy wife he deserves.

Now I must digress and explain I have never wanted to be a trophy wife. I would be a trophy person but not the primped and perfect woman on her big mans' arm!! 1) I don't know all those skills of hair accessories and makeup brushes, nor do I own spankx, and 2) I want to be known for my character not my physical score! I had long arguments about this with various roommates in college. Now I do love gaining awards or certificates of achievement but that's earned from completing difficult requirements not just because someone else judges you superior.

That said I headed to do some shopping. Things don't fit the same after 9 children and LOTS of cooking! It's a sad fact I've been ignoring. So to Maurices I headed and after 30 minutes of looking and 45+ minutes in the dressing room I had a few things. It was mortifying to look in that mirror, we have no full length mirrors in our house, but it gave me a good idea of which direction to head in future shopping online.

Still after the new do and the new clothes I felt so crummy about what I had become physically. Never mind that I take care of 9 active kids each day. I have grown 9 babies from conception to food. I manage our business from home, do service, love my husband and many other things.  Those were washed away in the sadness of not being the 4 sizes smaller I wish I was. Well that evening and next day were stake conference. Which I usually love. Not this time I was so ashamed of what I had seen in the mirror, I didn't want to talk to anyone. It was not a good place to be mentally. So I didn't talk to many people, I kept my eyes down and hugged my baby. They are nice accessories!!

But after more soul searching and counseling with Greg and my mom. I realized that this is not me. I am not self-centered and I am not just being lazy. I am doing what matters most each day and while I may need to reorganize my plans I have to keep my eye on my goal. That is to be a positive influence on my family and in my interactions with others. I cannot do that if I am focused just on my physical imperfections.

Ready for a rare date with my most supportive and encouraging husband. The look of uncertainty is pretty obvious in my eyes. I had a great time that night. It is so fun to visit with peers and just relax.

And with that I did exercise 4 times last week. I start there then move on to curbing the diet stuff. I find one follows the other.

On Wednesday I had two moles removed. It was not fun, but probably necessary. Which rendered my face and back very tender. Thursday was the cub scout cake auction more later on that, and Friday I slid down 8 stairs in my house.

A note on that. Friday I felt good! We got so much done it was a great day of cleaning, sorting, organizing and working together. Then that night in my stubbornness and tiredness I slipped on stair 2 with Millie in my arms and hit my hip hard and flew back and knocked the wind out of my lungs and bumped my head down the other 6 stairs till we got to the bottom and Millie rolled down my body onto the landing. I am still really sore from that. And I realize that my size is not an issue. Being able to function and do all my jobs is a blessing!!! I am super grateful to not have a broken hip, neck, back, leg, arm, or baby. I am thankful this will be a memory-hopefully by the weekend- and I am thankful for the discernment. I am thankful that through prayer and listening to the Spirit I can see and feel clearly of my worth and what I am doing with my life.