11.30.17 Hugs from David

The morning started listening to David Bednar conference talk about the Exceeding great and Precious Promises of the gospel. Fitting for the day and experiences the family has been having. I moved on to making breakfast fro the hungry crew. First songs up on Pandora Come thou Fount of Every Blessing, which Melissa (the mom) sang at my Papa Corn's funeral years ago. Then Families can Be together For However and Be Still My Soul! Balm from Gilead, I'd say. 

I had been pleading for peace. My assigned job at the funeral was meet and mingle. Talk to people receive their condolences and help represent the family as a whole and shield Dan and Melissa. After an emotional viewing the night before I wasn't sure I could suck it up enough. But the morning filled with soothing feelings and messages of comfort and promise meant I was dry eyed throughout the pre-funeral time. The funeral was beautiful (and I cried a lot). The grandfather's did an amazing job explaining the Plan of Salvation, the purpose that can be gained from these tragic losses and the invitation to learn of the Savior Jesus Christ. Melissa sang her testimony in a strong sweet voice "I Stand All Amazed" it was the most beautiful moment I have witnessed. Dan stood and proclaimed he and his family choose joy and to love more. It was the power of the Holy Spirit being shown forth.

There were dry eyes coming out of that funeral. There was reverence and amazement. My brother and his wife are incredible people who are blessed so richly by 1000's of prayers being offered on their behalf. There is truth in the blessings that can come from a truly broken heart and contrite spirit. 

It's rare to be a pall bearer before you are an adult. The youngest honorary pall bearer was 4. he's in the left corner. The others are 6, 12, 10, 7, 15. Not sure on the other side of the family. The Camo ties were a nod to David's love of the military. 

The beautiful cousins enjoyed the flowers from the kind sympathizers. 

There was such an outpouring of love and support. Some choose to send flowers. Some sent cards and notes. Some bring food, clothes, turtles, or toilet paper. Most give hugs.
With all of the outpouring there was more than could be received by the family. We were happy to bring some of the flowers home to our house. We had some fun up our sleeves.

The little kids were restless and a bit too noisy at the funeral. We had to confiscate many tissue packets to try and placate Bruce. He eventually went out. But Addie informed us she never gets anything of her own and why does she always have to do without. Her language for, I need some  attention. She was my helper on this project. She did so well! As did the little girls.

We honored David's legacy and life by transforming those professional bouquets into smaller friendship bouquets for friends and neighbors. We took over 20 last night, gave 5 to the young women group in our ward to deliver and a few went to school today to teachers and administrator & bus driver.

Can you read the card? It says Hugs from David. So we would explain, through tears sometimes, these are flowers from my nephews funeral he gave hugs. We want to share some happiness with you! And we would hug! That was very hard. I lost it once at a sweet friends house. But that's how it goes when you love someone. It's good, it's hard, it's beautiful, and sometimes tearful.

\

I want my children to know that healing comes in many ways but serving others and building relationships of love are some of the best. Some of the homes we delivered flowers to were so in need that night. They reported "We had a terrible day and then you showed up with a smile, flowers and a hug!" That's what we hope to do. To be a friend and to listen to promptings to ease other's burdens as they walk this life on earth. One neighbor, the first to send messages of sorrow at David's passing, was having their anniversary but the same husband who noticed the connection, had been to busy to get flowers. We brought them, in lieu of his ability, not a coincidence. I was able to teach Addie that she is receiving promptings on who to love and lift and that God speaks to her young heart as well. 

There can be great and magnificent beauty from ashes. Although it is not a choice we would ever make to be burned to the ground. I share my witness though if we trust in that most generous builder our God and his Son Jesus Christ we can become healed, strong, and beautiful again. I have seen it in these few short days since my nephews death. 

We have been overwhelmed by the kindness and multitude of prayers that have been shared. It has been a privilege to share our witnesses of Jesus Christ and the feelings of comfort and strength from those prayers. We live in a great place with so many good people. We are blessed by the Hugs we had from David. 

11.28.17 quality time?

Life sure stops on a dime sometimes. The last week my nephew was suddenly taken back to heaven in a very innocent 4 wheeler incident. Of course the obvious devastation has been present, the total loss of time and the gut wrenching feelings of helplessness. Mixed with the normal duties of life the trying to support and know how to support family, splitting time between my siblings, my children, others who are mourning, and just laundry and cooking it's been a swirl of days and nights. (And Bruce has divorced himself from long nights of rest instead checking in between 3 & 5 a.m restlessly rolling and turning and requiring very uncomfortable contact with my face or neck it's been a time not easily remembered.) 

Yet in the struggle there is goodness, there is peace, and their is deep pondering resulting in new cement conviction of what I know and where I want to go. In all the hours of the night apart from trying to make Bruce comfortable and trying to quelch the extreme nausea of loss there has been amongst the prayers much thought about my own parenting, my children, and our experience together. One of the sweetest blessings my sibling has is a clear conscience. He is a great dad. He is kind, calm, engaged, and a big part of his family life. What a gift to have no regrets on how you did.  

I'm pretty sure I couldn't say the same. As usual the pictures are small moments but I have been really wondering, what matters? What are the important moments to have? Is it splash mountain? Is it a heaping Christmas pile? Is it going to the woods to cut the tree? Is it a boat? Is it just holding them more? Expecting less so the frustration of disobedience isn't so often? What is it? 

A few weeks ago after breaking loose at every stop and start we realized new tires were necessary. On the assigned day we headed to the tire shop to wait for 2 hours while we got the new parts. WE meandered through a close grocery store. We had plenty of time to kill so we enjoyed a chocolate milk and donuts. Besides the mess, the fighting over straws and Bruce drinking all my milk then drooling it all over me it was a quick new experience.

We headed to the library next and were in time for story time. Again a new deal for these kids. I have to use my energy keeping our household going for the 8 who are gone all day. These younger 4 wait on mom to fit in stories between laundry, dishes, phone calls, and cooking. Not super awesome but life nonetheless. The story time was interesting ending with a blind lady asking if Bruce is "special" because he kept climbing on the table then squealing when I took him off. Nope completely strong willed normal 1 year old.

LIvy thought Anna's costume from the youth temple cultural event was just perfect for dress up. We left the little's home and spent an anxious fast drive to Boise hoping to make it in the doors before it started. Of course our wings were aided as Greg always gets the I told you so nod when he is frustratingly late. This was explained by an old friend as: "God protects fathers of large families, and drunks." Drives me crazy! But we made it for an inspiring look at all the months of preparation and carpooling donations.

Bruce mimicking the big kids. Doing his homework.

Aliza minus shoes.

Aliza with shoes. She loves her high heeled boots. She loves to tower over people and would be ecstatic as a stoic teen can be seen being taller than her dad. 

Playing the human table game there were so many laughs and attempts to make this work. We have various sizes or muscles and bodies here John loved to break the table.

My sweet baby. He is an insistent kisser, snuggler and little brother. He does not love sharing mom. Pushing the girls aside so he can have my lap alone. I love and get so tired of him he wears me out.

A rare time of sharing with Afton. She too is insistent but Bruce is stronger. After a sweet Sunday the temple was dedicated and we were soaking up the time together preparing for another full week.

So what matters in a kids life? I believe each family is unique and that is what each child therein needs. The structure they are born into. So I will continue to give them what I can and know that God makes up the rest. As we mourn and swim in the goodness of blessings it is one of those parallel universe times. So happy and content and so sad and depressed. Yet as we know we can look to God and live, which David is, or we can curse him and die which would be the ultimate grief.

 I love my large coat of children that cover, tangle, warm, challenge, and bless me. That is my mission and here we have them. In our meager way raising them up unto the Lord one full day at a time. Yet we always lay them down to sleep with a prayer on their heads and words of God being offered to calm them to rest.  I know through this and other like hard times those were the only things that carried me up out of my bed day by day was a firm hope and now belief in the reality of Gods promised blessings. He is so good and the plan is so simple.

11.19.17 Family Time

My truck driving buddy. He was such a trooper riding for hours patiently delivering ton after ton of corn. I am thankful for this little guy who is getting more independent and insistent on having life on his own terms. He loves all things boy and is thankful for his big brothers who provide lots of rides, throws, and play. 

One of the last glorious days of spring we spent some time raking the multitude of leaves. It was a great time working with the younger section of our family. Bruce discovered shovels. As addie and Mark cleaned up areas with a shovel Bruce mimicked using a plastic spoon to also move dirt and debris. We got a lot done, but with leaf raking there is always so much more to do. The older kids have been gone a lot this fall building fence in between activities related to the Meridian temple dedication so this is he crew I'm left with. They are all getting older and more capable and it's a good thing the olders are gone so these kiddos develop their muscles and talents.

Family reading time. 5 of us read the book American Sniper. We jockeyed for who got to read when. here Greg is reading with 3 others. One perk of our releases from church leadership is a reclamation of Sunday Family time. It has been so refreshing to snuggle, be close, talk, laugh and be together as a family.

11.8.17 Driving truck

For the first time in my married life I have been working. I have been driving truck for my in-laws. I really enjoyed the feeling of power and competence 20 years ago... I still do but it's much more complicated these days. 

I'm a mom of lots of kids and that requires lots of time just to keep the show going. Not to mention the constant need for someone to take care of them. Well I had heard stories of moms taking their kids in the trucks over 30 years ago and figured if it worked then it would work now. The carseat fit perfectly and the girls are little enough to share a seat so off we went when the big kids went to school Monday. They did so well. We talked and sang, colored, and looked at the world going by a little slower in a truck. Honestly it was eye opening to spend so much time in close proximity to my kids.

While I was gone Saturday the big kids worked and worked on building fence under the direction of GRandma. I don't regret leaving them when they are learning from her. They have become confident strong happy workers under her tutelage.

Surprising how tired one can get just sitting all day. But man I live in a beautiful place. The gorgeous fall days the beautiful bounteous fields that surround. I know city people can't fathom why anyone with half a brain would reside here but I feel the same about the crowded noisey bustle of their home places. Thank goodness for freedom and opportunity to allow us all to be where we want to be and not be forced to share what we don't want!

So I gained renewed confidence that I can still do hard things with added difficulty of multiple people under my care. I learned I am super lucky to be able to stay home to not have to split my time out of the home. I learned Sunday is such a blessed day of rest and change from work. Such a gift! I learned night time takes a lot of energy and I need a reserve to do the homework, listening, cooking/cleaning, running that is required when everyone comes home. And I elarned I like to visit with different people and need to make more of an effort to leave my house to associate with others as it fills part of me I have been missing.
As I have been pondering my direction in life and the what do I do now question these past few months there have been some tender opportunities that have helped me gain insight and direction as I proceed forward and yet live daily in the reality of a large family with lots of littles still at home. Life is good and God is a patient teacher.

11.7.17 Blessings in pictures

I went to bed Halloween night literally with tears in my eyes for being such a failure. We did not make trick-or-treating this year. A first for us. I just couldn't do it. I had been part of an accident at 5:00 and had no desire to go anywhere that night. Not to mention I had been driving truck all day for 3 days and was wiped out! 

Yet as I lamented the poor motherin and managmenet here I found this multitude of pictures stored on my phone the next day and realized we had had a fun week prior full of kind people who helped us have a great Halloween.

The pack meeting for cub scouts was a carnival. A highlight was the apple bobbing tank. Addie and John were successful. 

Greg always reminds me when I worry our kids are missing out on the fun things their peers enjoy. "Our kids are happy, they are pleasant, they are fine!" Is his retort. I am thankful to have caught John as he really is.

The little girls were dressed up with nowhere to go. They weren't denied much as we had donuts and hot chocolate and waiting for another day.

Some therapeutic baking. Never received a ticket until that day. Oh well I challenged HArold to go as long as I did and I would be one happy mom.
Our pumpkins came as a serendipitous chain of events. A friend called asking if we could use some winter squash I said sure, but did she know of any pumpkins for carving. She responded in the affirmative and we scheduled to meet in 5 minutes to make the trade and head to the pumpkin patch. I called the food bank manager and arranged to share the pumpkin and squash in a few hours and we headed to a pumpkin patch just over the hill from us. When we arrived we found more friends already there gleaning.

Literally that week I had been calling and checking on the availability and cost of visiting a pumpkin patch but it was cost and time prohibitive. I also desired my kids to interact with others and was hopelessly searching for someone for them to socialize with. Well this evening we found 6 other kids at the pumpkin patch with whom they shared the experience. It was an answer to prayers again. So simple so random and so wonderful. The night was gorgeously warm the kids were delighted and we were close to home and able to share with the food pantry and make the pack mtg carnival in a 2 hour window. I'm so grateful for answered prayers that are so perfect, and for kind friends who share their bounty and time with us.  THank goodness for pictures that reminded me how blessed I am and replaced the sad feelings of Not with abundant feelings of Enough!

11.5.17 sunday

Some Sundays  are full of running around visiting and meetings. Some are full of resting and just hanging out. And some rare days are filled with not so good times. As I sat down in Sunday school yesterday Bruce began puking. I quickly exited thinking I had contained his spewing to just us but alas we got some chairs and sprinkled a few people who were in our path. Sorry. They kindly endured and cleaned the chairs and resumed class. I cleaned the baby continued to hold his head while he puked in a sink and then cleaned that portion of the bathroom. He had covered his clothes so I stripped him to his diaper. I was so thankful I had headed a small prompting to wear a shirt with my dress that previously I had only wore a tank top with as I covered it with a jacket. The said jacket was also covered in vomit so I removed that and dealt with the cold in my dress and shirt. We went to the car and cuddled finding some coats in the car. Thank goodness we had not cleaned it out removing all necessary extra pieces of clothing. 

We went to the luncheon where bruce puked immediately following the family group picture but thankfully he didn't puke while the picture was staged as that would have been too much family love. I ate in the kitchen with him snuggled nad asleep on my lap. The kids played and enjoyed their cousins. We helped clean up and then loaded up for the ride home when Livy announced her tummy hurt. We handed her another leftover from the night before and empty dinner container and yep about 3 minutes into our drive she began  puking as well. She was a champ and got it all in the container. WE stopped to clean her up on the side of the road and continued on with her puking about 10 minutes later. HArold thought it was funny to also mimic puking. We were not impressed. We got home and got cleaned up. She continued to vomit every half hour or so. Greg wanted to go do some visiting and these are pictures of Mark holding him down so he couldn't leave, and then MArk jumping off.

We worked to get that picture slow enough to show his cool body structure. He is our sturdiest kid. Yet he's still a kid. It was comforting to hold him on my lap when we were barring Greg from helping me leave. MArk loves to play and he is a special kid who has deep interest in life and living and who is fun and kind. He loves and is so much more comfortable to be around as he matures and can do more and more responsible tasks.
Well I gave in because Greg was right I needed to go visit with him. My phone got left behind, sadly, because the kids started calling about half and hour later come home. When are you coming home? Addie is puking come home!
By the time we got home Millie was also puking. I found my phone and these little gems they captured and self-indited while I was gone.

Further proof of why they need and do work outside so much of the time. Because they are more dangerous than the big bad wolf to the wholeness of my home although they were happy when I got home.
The poor sick girls they puked  a lot but had a fairly peaceful night. Livy seems better today as` is Addie I think. Aliza however succumbed in the night and is home resting today.

The nurses. By nighttime they were both better. I had started the day thinking AFton had an earache but think she was just battling a sore tummy.

Another chapterxq in life in our family. I was sick a lot as a kid basically a nervous wreck until I got married and calmed down a bit. So puking and I have a long long history. I feel their pain and understand the experience and am so thankful it passes pretty quickly and they are so good at hitting the bowl.