Life sure stops on a dime sometimes. The last week my nephew was suddenly taken back to heaven in a very innocent 4 wheeler incident. Of course the obvious devastation has been present, the total loss of time and the gut wrenching feelings of helplessness. Mixed with the normal duties of life the trying to support and know how to support family, splitting time between my siblings, my children, others who are mourning, and just laundry and cooking it's been a swirl of days and nights. (And Bruce has divorced himself from long nights of rest instead checking in between 3 & 5 a.m restlessly rolling and turning and requiring very uncomfortable contact with my face or neck it's been a time not easily remembered.)
Yet in the struggle there is goodness, there is peace, and their is deep pondering resulting in new cement conviction of what I know and where I want to go. In all the hours of the night apart from trying to make Bruce comfortable and trying to quelch the extreme nausea of loss there has been amongst the prayers much thought about my own parenting, my children, and our experience together. One of the sweetest blessings my sibling has is a clear conscience. He is a great dad. He is kind, calm, engaged, and a big part of his family life. What a gift to have no regrets on how you did.
I'm pretty sure I couldn't say the same. As usual the pictures are small moments but I have been really wondering, what matters? What are the important moments to have? Is it splash mountain? Is it a heaping Christmas pile? Is it going to the woods to cut the tree? Is it a boat? Is it just holding them more? Expecting less so the frustration of disobedience isn't so often? What is it?
A few weeks ago after breaking loose at every stop and start we realized new tires were necessary. On the assigned day we headed to the tire shop to wait for 2 hours while we got the new parts. WE meandered through a close grocery store. We had plenty of time to kill so we enjoyed a chocolate milk and donuts. Besides the mess, the fighting over straws and Bruce drinking all my milk then drooling it all over me it was a quick new experience.
We headed to the library next and were in time for story time. Again a new deal for these kids. I have to use my energy keeping our household going for the 8 who are gone all day. These younger 4 wait on mom to fit in stories between laundry, dishes, phone calls, and cooking. Not super awesome but life nonetheless. The story time was interesting ending with a blind lady asking if Bruce is "special" because he kept climbing on the table then squealing when I took him off. Nope completely strong willed normal 1 year old.
LIvy thought Anna's costume from the youth temple cultural event was just perfect for dress up. We left the little's home and spent an anxious fast drive to Boise hoping to make it in the doors before it started. Of course our wings were aided as Greg always gets the I told you so nod when he is frustratingly late. This was explained by an old friend as: "God protects fathers of large families, and drunks." Drives me crazy! But we made it for an inspiring look at all the months of preparation and carpooling donations.
Bruce mimicking the big kids. Doing his homework.
Aliza with shoes. She loves her high heeled boots. She loves to tower over people and would be ecstatic as a stoic teen can be seen being taller than her dad. 
Playing the human table game there were so many laughs and attempts to make this work. We have various sizes or muscles and bodies here John loved to break the table.
My sweet baby. He is an insistent kisser, snuggler and little brother. He does not love sharing mom. Pushing the girls aside so he can have my lap alone. I love and get so tired of him he wears me out.
A rare time of sharing with Afton. She too is insistent but Bruce is stronger. After a sweet Sunday the temple was dedicated and we were soaking up the time together preparing for another full week.
So what matters in a kids life? I believe each family is unique and that is what each child therein needs. The structure they are born into. So I will continue to give them what I can and know that God makes up the rest. As we mourn and swim in the goodness of blessings it is one of those parallel universe times. So happy and content and so sad and depressed. Yet as we know we can look to God and live, which David is, or we can curse him and die which would be the ultimate grief.
I love my large coat of children that cover, tangle, warm, challenge, and bless me. That is my mission and here we have them. In our meager way raising them up unto the Lord one full day at a time. Yet we always lay them down to sleep with a prayer on their heads and words of God being offered to calm them to rest. I know through this and other like hard times those were the only things that carried me up out of my bed day by day was a firm hope and now belief in the reality of Gods promised blessings. He is so good and the plan is so simple.
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