5.17.20 Again

We passed the one month and the five week mark. Relief for each day marked off and for the tiny amounts of progress we are seeing. See that faint double chin? I am thankful for that. 

Today Bruce was talking to me again about babies being naked in their mom's tummies. He is fascinated by that phenomena. I have assured him we dress them pretty soon after they are born, he hasn't quite pieced together why moms can't make clothes for their babies in utero too. 

As we talked I told him I could show him what he looked like after he was born. I have a picture of him, one that literally haunted me when he was this age. It shows a strong big baby being examined by the midwives. The picture haunted me because weeks later he had shrunk and was hanging on but not thriving. Reading about all that was going on and remembering the extreme frustration and puzzlement I was feeling was a nice reminder. Almost verbatim I have been feeling some of those same emotions in the past few weeks. I could not write here because I rarely set Merle down. I have again been wondering and watching what is going on. I have been working to stay calm and restful to get my body to work with his. I try to separate this experience from that one and to make decisions and resolutions based on today. I have cried a lot and prayed some. I have reached out to other moms for advice and encouragement. And mostly we just keep enduring and hoping nursing will get better.

A few important differences, we are not canning. We are farming full time as of this year, and the new stress of financing, timing of crops and water is taking some attention.
The kids are home! That is such a help! Reading about the familiar busy activity of the kids when Bruce was home versus this time of having helpers and kids who can distract the younger kids. The lack of daily running around even just to get kids home from school is so nice.

Similar is a host of just older siblings to love and stimulate the baby. They love to kiss him, oftentimes Lia is pinching him. We are working on that.

The best part of this time is the proof we all survived last time. Bruce is a huge testimony that although it is hard it is worth it, and I can do this. Another important difference is we were heading into the huge snow-mageddon year with Bruce and we are just headed into an easy summer of farming.... well into a new season we don't fully know how it will go, but have a feint idea. 

So with the aching back and neck of hours and hours hunched over trying to get him to nurse then not moving when he does, to the slower mind function life is ok. I'm so thankful to have big kids here who have done a lot of laundry, who help with all that needs to be happening and who are my friends and support. They have learned a lot of basic baby care and patience in these experiences. They offer diversions with their interests, reading, and thoughts. I'm thankful to have such a great backup crew. Life is good and we will survive!