5.6.20 Times that try to soul

It's so hard to imagine that one little person/change can rock a whole orbit so much. It's hard to fathom the work that goes into babies. They are so innocent and small yet the worry, time, encouragement, and consciousness is enormous. I forget the transition stage. It's been hard always. I find it most helpful in mothering to forget or we would never have dared to go this far with kids. Yet because we dare, we re-visit the hard and find new avenues in that city that is not for the faint of heart and is best left. 

Thank goodness for this kind older sister. She is mostly at her perch working on her computer whether it be chemistry problems, her research paper without a library of resources, or seminary, or teaching her self pre-calculus she is almost always found typing away working through distant learning. She takes breaks to hold the baby to give me a 5 minute break, she changes Lia and sometimes settles disputes. She also runs outside to put laundry on the line and is often found running errands for dad. She is my rock and my constant in this, I know life is ok if Anna is around, thus I have checked out of mom roll- kind of- in an all out effort to nurse and grow this baby.

 This brought tears to my eyes the first time and even now. Admittedly, I cry easily these days. However, that large man hand was once small as the one on his thumb and it was no easy task getting that big man going either. No, many many tears were shed over him too. Maybe that's part of the fertilizer to making these kids grow? I'm thankful for the walking, yelling, fighting, loving proof that I can do this. That my mothering does in fact raise healthy children even while the hour to hour struggle may lead me to believe otherwise.

And this sweet daughter taught me a big lesson. I was a wreck yesterday. Too much heaped up just overwhelmed me. She watched me cry hour after hour and finally surmised she could help. She kneeled by my chair and asked God to please help the baby to nurse. To please help her mom to nurse the baby and to help our family. From that prayer on until today at least six nursing's later he has nursed. Prior to that prayer he would not. Today I thanked her fro her faith, she said I knew it would help. I knew you needed a prayer. Oh the wisdom of the littles. 

As I struggle to meet all the needs, to even touch my other children I found taking a few steps back really helped. They offer their love and confidence in different ways- the prayer, some make me laugh, some bring me tea, some just snuggle up and take a nap.
The nurse made a comment in the hospital about a c-section being different on the body because there isn't the gradual climb to labor and delivering the baby, rather at random the body is sedated and cut and the baby removed, then the body is empty or robbed and left to catch up. I feel that this time that I've been playing catch up. I'm hoping to find that arrival soon. I think we are getting closer. I'm thankful for my angels of all sizes who are loving their mom even in the much reduced capacity both mental and physically that happens after birth. Life is good.