Thank goodness my kids are home to lift little ones, to rush for the phone, to do laundry and cleaning. All I can do is move slowly and gingerly from spot A to spot B. I've reintroduced some picking things up off the floor, but anything heavy like a jug of milk is too much.
It's pretty hard to not just sit and sob. Not necessarily because of the pain, although I do cry out way too often... but because this is not me. Having children is a good thing, it shouldn't be this hard. Unfortunately my scripture study has pointed me more towards the they were righteous and God lightened their burdens but only He could deliver them...; and have patience in your afflictions; and it must needs be there is opposition in all things. UGH!
I never did get my mother's day card written this year. I wanted to, but it's so hard to say all the feelings that go with mother. And in the thick of learning to be a better mother it's really too humbling to express how exalted my own mother is because I am at such an inferior level.
I fear this trial of being out of commission. And when the chiropractor told me yesterday it looks as though I have a bulging disk it was not "better to know." When I was 13 my mom got pregnant and that baby kicked her disk out to bulging, resulting in the need to have back surgery. From pregnancy to surgery and through recovery were years of her inability to be who she is or was. I learned a lot. I didn't appreciate her much and I really grew. It was a hard time in our relationship. It made me loathe to be incapacitated, and probably way to prideful in my strength and health. I know what it means to pick up the slack.
As I have worried through this pregnancy how we would get our canning and normal fall work done I again shook my fist to the heavens and said why now? I worried over the Zika virus and microcephaly, I worried about heat and pregnancy and how to afford another delivery. And how to fit in all the back to school stuff and start of school stuff with almost and then having a new baby.
Yet nothing comes close to the daily struggling with pain and the question to push through or sit and rest? To being ignored and being a bad example.
A few months ago though, my parents were here for dinner and speeches and while the kids were lamenting my limited state for canning my mom said strongly- "You guys are big enough to do the canning. Your mom did for me."
That was huge. I did. I learned to love canning and sewing and other homemaking skills that are so much a part of our life now. Because I had to. Because she wasn't able to and could not do that kind of work. She told me once she asked the stake president why she had to suffer so long? He replied "maybe it wasn't for her but for her children to grow..." that is tough.
From the other side, the not as capable side, I'm learning again. And my kids are learning. A lesson in relief society recently asked if motherhood was a sacrifice? All the noble women in the room said "No it's just what we do." I quietly said "Yes it is." I give my body, I give my time, I give up my wants, in short I give my all to being a mom.
With continued hope for relief and ability to move freely in the next 14 weeks and definitely thereafter I am learning to that sometimes greater sacrifice of self is required for others to become who they will. In a blessing Sunday- so I could get to church- I was blessed with instruction that I and this baby are very loved and God is mindful of us. I know this is important to give this person a body, family, and earth experience. However, as always, I wanted it to be easy. But I should know better.
My scripture for this pregnancy and delivery will be Ether 12: 27
- I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
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