I mentioned I spent a lot of time listening to country music from the 90's. This song from Tim McGraw came on and I was awed at how true it was. But instead of thrill seeking and high adventure, during the weeks of waiting for test results and wondering what the future would hold. My house went to pot and I spent my meager amount of nervous energy snuggling my kids holding them longer and taking pictures.
I wondered how I would manage this group being physically compromised? Going to the doctor required major juggling how could I do that indefinitely? I wondered how they might survive without me? And how they would be for someone else. Could someone else handle the mass business that they are.
I savored moments that passed the time they had been mine, and wondered if they are also grateful and fulfilled being here? Or are they lacking what they need and wishing for more love and interest in their life? And I mistakenly bought re-lighting birthday candles. The hesitant Livy got lots of help trying to put them out. The more dominant Mark puffed enough to overwhelm the candles. I'm pretty sure we didn't have candle for Afton. Oh well next year.
I searched for ways to be upbeat and positive. And I found new keys to help in that process. I don't want to come off as melodramatic. We prayed and found strength from prayers and fasting of family and friends. Yet we couldn't be too sure because we have many friends who have not got an all clear diagnosis. Instead they had to continue in the reality that their mortality was more finite than they desired. That regardless of the good intentions and actions they were going to have to face death either imminently or in the closer future than they had supposed.
However, from the beginning of the doctor journey I had a blessing from my sweetheart. Those pwoerful sweet sacred words calmed my heart and gave me strength. I am so thankful for direct communication with God. The God of all the heavens and earth. The God who cares so much about each of us. I am not more favored because I do not have to pass through the trial of cancer right now. I am not more faithful. I am not in need of that right now. I have other burdens to bear. and I will try to be meek in my celebration and humble in my blessings. So as you read this week. Know that these pictures were laced with great anxiety for my future and great pondering and holding to the promises from heaven.
In that experience I learned to lean more on my faith and to love much more the lives that are around me daily. And to order the part to fix my dryer (after only 6 weeks) and to then loose the vacuum but to fix the old one. Life continues to go on even if we are called to leave the mortal realm. Our large influences are felt for generations because of our testimonies and failings. I can directly see the choices and influence of my past effecting my future. It's pretty awesome. I love family history, and I'm glad to have more time to hopefully improve my own. So with that back story you see we danced, we left town, we drank milkshakes, and we loved. Best to you today.
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