I've been wallowing around in a low spot for a while. Maybe hormones, lack of sleep in the summer with lots of sun hours, lots of bodies to care for all day etc. Nonetheless the feelings of discouragement and hopelessness are there. In fact, last week when I was at the doctors with John for a pre-scout camp physical and the nurse asked if he had been feeling hopelessness, despair, like things would never get better? I literally laughed till I had tears on my face. I explained he's been doing first time watering, standing in rows all day helping the water stay in the row and move through the corrigates. Those are long hot hours and hours and days. Then he was working with Greg 16 plus hour days. Yes he's been feeling all those things, but that's real life! The jobs do end, the day eventually comes to a close, but yes it is hard and frustrating.
Knowing I needed to do some self care I checked out my favorite feel-better-love-people author Jeanette Oke books. She speaks long and peacefully about more prayer, more trust in God, and noticing blessings that come. She also subliminally writes that a cup of tea soothes most troubles. I love her books, they have helped me calm and reset in the past. I devoured one and it was helpful but not enough.
The boys left yesterday for a weeklong scout adventure, they needed to be in town by 5:15 a.m. I was worried I would miss the alarm so instead slept fitfully worrying. I finally just got up at 4 a.m. and dove into my scriptures. I even prayed. I have a hard time getting that in. With lots of bodies always clamoring for something and the ability to be calm, quiet, focused to pray with intent is illusive to say the least. Yet, in that quiet hour I got it done. I picked up made breakfast at least 4 times from 4:30-11:30 a.m. and the day was just so peaceful.
While waiting for Aliza to complete her drive for drivers ed I ended up at the grocery store just for milk. Of course that turned into a cart full of other necessities, I'm trying to re-set my food supply. And after meandering lost through the store as I was so tired I could hardly remember my name let alone what I needed, I was at the checkout. Alia was done! So done! One hand works fine to empty the cart and write the check but bagging groceries quickly is nearly impossible.
I said a quick prayer, "Please someone come along and offer to help me." Not 30 seconds later my sister called my name. I smiled and said please take Lia. She kindly took her in her arms and I bagged my groceries and got out of the way. My prayers were answered lickety split!
This morning as I Studied my scriptures again the verse that stood out most was from king benjamin's address admonishing his people to be steadfast and immovable always abounding in good works that Christ may seal you his and receive you in heaven to be with him forever.
I try to be steadfast in my resolve to follow him. Do my actions and words always show that? No. Do I repent and admit I need to repent, yep! I am better at working on good works. We try to help others we rarely say no. It is my sincere desire to be received into heaven and have a family that also wants and has made the choices to be received into heaven.
Often lately I've been with professional gardeners and they have said don't waste time on the weeds you will never get to the fruit if you just pull weeds. Look for fruit, ignore the weeds. I think there is something to that advice. I often just see the weeds in my life. The problems, the insufficiencies in myself and those closest to me. Yet, there is a lot of fruit and goodness in my life too. These pictures show some. My sweet boy who remembers what I tell him during the sacrament that "he is special to Jesus; and JEsus loves him." My precious little baby who is healthy and happy and so beautiful. She is Covered in toys from a banquet that her oldest brother brought home, and her other brother decorated her in for fun. They are powerful instruments for good.
Time spent with my dad and my kids getting to bask in his goodness and wisdom. Anna learning new skills with her sheep and loving her cousin. The cherries from a farmer sold by his daughter. They are so delicious and fun jewelry. Life is good. I am so blessed. I'm working to calm my fears and drink from the true scripts... not giving in to the confusion, evil, and negative that is so prevalent. Best to you. May you see God's hand and love helping you today too!
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