7.29.20 Be still my heart

There is a lot of hard, bad, and ugly in the world today. Life seems to be pretty dreary and worrisome but I have a sweet little pot of gold in my home. These sweet kiddos especially this one who isn't making messes or talking back reassures me life is good and mortality is beautiful. How thankful I am to be a mom again and again. The perfect weight of his sleeping content body in my arms is so comforting. I struggle to enjoy the large amount of time required to grow a baby yet I am also soothed by the routine and innocent charm of a baby. 

His siblings are similarly charmed. These were taken at his cousin Marcus' birthday party. I know the year will go fast so we are trying to soak him up at each stage. Hat thanks to cousin Cambree who left it and we borrowed it for a cute prop.

The big brother using Harold's football gear. I wonder if and when we will get back to normal activities like football practice. So many tears were shed blah blah blah about 2020 seniors but 2021 seniors are looking to be totally denied any sort of senior memories. That is sad. Harold was in position to be a serious auto competitor across the pacific northwest, and to do some serious football damage. I'm so thankful that I followed the prompting last year and pushed him to take extra tech courses and to play football. Once in a lifetime is becoming ominous in life as we know it. 

Because life is becoming more finite I'm working to be a better mom to the younger crew. So one night instead of making dinner or doing the dishes to make dinner I stood outside and pushed these two on the swings and just listened to them chatter. Another night I helped Livy with her chores and sang primary songs. I'm working to teach the kids primary songs. It makes me so happy to hear them singing songs we have practiced, I know these will help them comfort their hearts and give them courage in times of trial. Our decision to homeschool has been made by the government policies I'm excited to continue on our journey to instill goodness into our children's hearts. To cement bonds and to offer some really fun curriculum. I am not naive to think it will be easy, life never is. I'm expecting to continue to fortify them and myself and to continue loving and growing each other. Last night as we shucked corn at dusk after a full day of work my heart was brimming with moments like this working together for a common goal. I will miss this and am thankful we have some more time. Life is good. 

7.29.20 Dancing With Dad

For some reason Livy remembered Daddy-Daughter dances and asked to dance with her dad on Sunday. She is growing so fast right now and is blooming from little sister to more mature older sister. 

Everybody decided to join in each grabbing a different partner.

Bruce was not about to be left out and got the rare treat of getting to spin. 

Afton is always willing to hold Merle he is getting more willing to allow that to happen.

Millie's turn

No I did not get a turn I rarely do these days, with so many waiting in the wings I usually just take pictures and hold them back. We are thankful for a dad that is willing and so talented at teaching. I'm thankful for the gift of time the pandemic has allowed. Time to do things and remember the joy in simple pleasures. I still marvel the world ground to a halt for so long, I worry about the situations that are now happening but I'm also confident and grateful for the inspiration that I get almost daily helping me to understand and learn God knows! He is still here/there/around and it's going to be ok maybe even better than before. Faith, the key is to hold onto my faith. Life is good. 

7.28.20 Life with Toddlers

I am breathing deep after a long few hours of toddler messes. 

Red food coloring everywhere in my upstairs area table kitchen, hall, bathroom, tub, walls. Ugh. That followed a self decorated Vaseline covered not quite two year old and who know what else today. 

Often I just feel worn out. Some of the family that has visited are training for various races. I was asked if I wanted to do similar, I just looked over, arched my eyebrows, and said no. I try to be patient with the state we are in and just go along for the ride... cleaning and figuring out how to clean each new situation. They are charming with their sticky hugs and genuine joy. I am blessed. Sometimes I remember to take pictures. This night Bruce was helping his dad do push ups. 

I try to take time to tell these little ones how much we love them. They are precocious and keep us hoping and I really wish they were more tired but they are sweet and we are blessed to have each one. 

A quick capture of her not poking him. She loves Mrll. Can't quite spell how she says it but she loves her brother and he likes her at a distance when she is not smothering him. I see big plans in their future. 

Anna protecting him. We are in process of gathering here getting ready for scriptures one last play, tickle, tackle, run, in between combing hair or brushing teeth. We have lots of activity here all the time. 

It has been sobering to visit with friends of Greg's who have older parents like us. To hear their parents are in their late 80's when ours are decades younger is sobering. I try not to think how old I will be when this sweet babe is 8 or 18 or 38. I just know with confidence he wanted to be with us and loves us even at this tender age. I don't understand all the eternal reasons why families are shaped as they are but I have learned to be grateful for mine come as it may with all the ups and downs stains, prints, piles of dirt and assorted laundry conundrums. I'm thankful even more for the hugs and kisses that I get mixed with the scowls and growls. And look at his dimpled elbow and gentle double chin I am so proud of each little bit of padding I see on him. Life is good

7.20.20 dead mouse

Shortly after playing Legos the kids went outside but came quickly back in the house yelling they had seen a gopher. I told them probably not they have big teeth to go check again. I thought they were just playing. They like to imagine. Well then I looked outside and there was some varmint there. Livy used a bowl to trap it and kneeled holding the bowl while Bruce went to get a shovel. At our house you kill mice with a whap from a shovel. When Bruce returned he took his protecting us role seriously. With mom's loud instruction from far away he whapped that mouse till it's guts came out!

Removing the dead mouse. It kept rolling in front of the shovel so Livy used the same bowl to scoop it onto the shovel and Bruce hauled it away.

I am teaching my children to be self-reliant and the added bonus is that they protect me from rodents! That is one of my favorite qualities of Greg is he kills mice, every time decisively. Life is good and moments happen quickly.

7.19.20 The life I want

Part of 2020 is letting our oldest daughter grow up. She graduated and is planning to leave our home. This is really hard for me. These girls are not sad just making plans for who gets Anna's stuff etc. I realized that while she is leaving there are quiet a few here who are just growing and not having real expectations from me. I realized I've got to get on the ball training them and having a good time with them too. Again back to the schedule or mostly just realizing I've got some work to do and it's not about me continuing to do most of the home stuff which I haven't been successful with everyone home and new baby but teaching these kiddos how to be self-sufficient and expecting them to share the load of family life. In addition to all this heavy stuff I need to schedule more read daily one on one time with them doing what they like. Prevention and planning is way better than yelling and frustrated tolerating kids. This day Bruce and I played Legos. The other kids joined in we had a great time.

 Another item I've been working on is getting a nap for Lia. She is fiesty and doesn't like to start a nap but thoroughly enjoys taking one and again two littles occupied leaves more space for the next ones up the chain.

Another good thing salad in a jar. These can be prepared en masse to wait in the fridge until needed. Salad for lunch is good for the waistline but a hassle to prepare everyday. Voila!

A nice healthy salad. And the ingredients didn't just wilt and mold in my fridge because I lacked time and desire to put them together. 

For too long I've been thinking I was a failure and a mess. All the negative self talk was not helping. I didn't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone or be seen. The quarantine gave lots of reason for that but it was not a good place to be. I realized after a particularly dumb encounter with some of Aliza's classmates i had to stop beating myself up because it was really harming who I wanted and need to be. And after coaching Millie and Livy through their fears of swimming I realized I too needed some thinking adjustment to survive this mothering experience. 

Now I haven't figured out things to repeat, but I have started singing more -read 1-3x a week with my family and working to read my scriptures personally everyday. For some reason it is hard to keep those things going they fall by the wayside so easily. We read last night that this life is a time to prepare to meet God and that we need to labor each day. So I'm working on all of that in small pieces. Today I feel tremendously relieved of so much family burden from just sharing the work and writing it down. Mark was surprised reading was on his responsibility list. Additionally Addie and Mark are working on a Spanish instruction program. Play needs to go on some lists. Making time to do what matters most is so important and has been lost for too long here. But my biggest take away from this current self-help journey is I was doing a lot the hard way! I'm so excited to see what we can become with some helpful tools in place.

7.18.20 jumping brothers

Oh my boys. Bruce has not lost any enthusiasm for having a brother if anything his anticipation is growing. This week I have been working to organize our life and get more done that should be happening. One day while sitting and listening to Livy, Bruce decided it would be fun to jump over Merle. He is fast and it was hard to catch him, Merle was not scared just watched. 

You can see our math board in the background. I keep wanting to homeschool yet we have yet to have a day that we get it all done with just three let alone 6 or more. There are a lot of jokes, discussions, and prayers about what to do this coming year. I did invest in and have been voraciously reading about home organization and management. I've learned a bit and have been motivated to pull up my boot straps and get my life back. I learned it takes a lot of energy to constantly be making decisions. What to eat for the day, who's suppose to help me do what task, what tasks need to be completed, what stuff needs to be bought for whom. It's exhausting and yet that is where I have been living for this year of 2020. Doing a lot myself because I shut down my communication and discipline. I've been worried since the beginning of Merle's pregnancy how I would fit in one more and how we would manage the farm, the mechanics, the activities, etc with a baby. So instead of holding on to what I knew worked I just stumbled through the days and was so anxious, tired, stressed and not happy.
Well enter pandemic and riots and the world basically turned on its side and as on decision led to another I stumbled upon some organization guru sites and started slowly trying their ideas.
Don't misunderstand I don't have my day organized to the half hour, but Sunday I made a menu for two weeks with Addie all the meals and sides. So nice to just get the meat defrosting in the morning no more deciding in desperation at 7pm. Also helped with grocery shopping to get what I needed rather than going back time and again through the week for that one item.
That positive energy brought more reading and realization that I need to spend time with my younger crew doing some fun things just with them. So I made cookies with Livy and Millie on Monday. And by Friday was ready to make a daily responsibility list complete with cooking and dishes schedule to get help. YAY! I feel like jumping too!!

7.13.20 Youngest

My baby is growing he's now 3 months old. He is a precious addition. 

 

 Admittedly it's very challenging to meet so many needs. I struggle to find joy in all the care of a newborn but love his presence and the success I feel in his emerging growth. Everyone here is glad to have a little baby brother.

My sweet Lia still not a grown lady but not my little baby either. This picture was taken after my nap with them one day. How can I complain about full arms?

Showing off his rolls that are coming.

She was sitting playing the piano for me yesterday and I was just struck by how grown up she looked. Her face and her concentration, she wasn't little in that moment. Maybe the piano is her talent?

These younger kids are just opening like flowers as to their personalities, talents, preferences, and challenges. It is a pretty special spot to be the mom and know them from conception on in a very personal manner. They each have special gifts and experiences that I treasure in my heart. I am thankful for these two and their ability to put up with so much attention and yet not enough attention. For their love of so many bosses and determination to just have the one they want. I'm thankful for all the help the older kids are. We are a team, a family and we are thankful to have so many. Life is good.