All my life I've had what we called the nervous stomach. Trips were terrible with me as I always found a way to be sick to my stomach. It was pretty much just part of any experience. Until I got married. Then it was better for a lot of years. Morning sickness was just like being anxious throw up feel better then just feel blah for the day. After many many years of that I was surprised in 2020 when the old feelings returned. World Wide pandemic with no scientific understanding or treatment, crazy laws and disruption of everything we knew to be normal and bringing a new baby into the world. My first C-section, a very upset spouse and the anxiety flowed like a river. We got through that it was not as horrible as I had worried in fact the quiet time in the empty hospital with my newborn was pleasant. At home to recover with my best kid handlers was fantastic. We had lots of help for farming and life it was like so many blessings I couldn't count.
Next year was Mark's ordeal. I had some restless times through all that sleeplessness, tears, aloneness, and fear. Positive music, podcasts, making a plan, and working through decades long fears helped make that a sacred experience for me then mark.
Then Andrea came. I was a geriatric pregnancy, she was an astounding number #14. I chose to go to Idaho to try a V-bac. She was breech also until the end when she turned! Thankfully all was well, but the 6 weeks before her arrival were full of worry, sleeplessness, and continual worry of what would happen. I was so relieved to just be through that experience.
This year is starting off with a new experience. The nodules or goiters I've been watching under doctor care for six years are now showing suspicious signs of being the dreaded C word. It's pretty hard to say as I'm holding onto the 50% not. That number has increased from being 10-15% chance to now 50-50. That's worrisome. In November or December I had a dream telling me it was time for them to go. That was odd but ok. So I'm holding onto the experience my cousins have had with their removals- they are fine and functioning. I try not to think about the what if, and maybe. Sometimes those over take me and I cry.
It's been hard to tell people that should know. But it's actually good to affirm out loud what's going on, and the reassurances I've had and what is fact and what is just worry. So I'm marking my days by I didn't throw up today! Which means I didn't give in to the fear, I worked through it. Sometimes I just sleep, sometimes I exercise, sometimes I cry, sometimes I leave me house. Having my sweet babies to cuddle is calming. Unfortunately, Andrea loves to scratch at my nodules. My plan is a neck brace as I'm sure I won't want incisions touched. And we will get through this.
When I'm struggling at night I pray. My friend told me she likes to envision what it would be like to be in the Saviors presence when he came to the earth. So I'm going to add that to my coping. I appreciate all the concern and conversations. Another step in mortality is ahead. I'm trying to envision stuff like Anna coming home, weddings, graduations etc. Good life events. Life is good and I am blessed immensely.
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